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blogs.creativeloafing.com/freshloaf/2009/09/11/police-raid-gay-leather-bar-atlanta-eagle/ 

Click the link above to read the article as i did.

How insane is it that one person can call a police station and complain about a local gay bar, and have the swat and teams of police officers raining down on it within the hour?  You can't even get that kind of response if you report to the police that the neighbors that live two houses down from you are selling crack to kids.

There is this sickening detachment a large portion of society has from recognizing gay people as people.  With the right to shop in stores, buy cars, kiss their lovers, vote, contribute to the economy, contribute to society, and even shoot back a couple of beers with people like themselves.  We even contain ourselves to our own bars so as not to offend the delicate natures of those that are detached with judgment and selfrighteousness. 

But even locked away in dark rooms with hidden doors, society doesn't want us to be able to have community.  They want us to not exist and think they have the right to badger us, until we all crawl back underground.

Fuck That.

This country was founded on people escaping religious persecution and oppression of their civil liberties.  So what right does anyone have to tell me that THEIR god has deemed me unworthy to live or walk the earth?  There are holidays set up to give acknowledgement and respect for all different religions.  All different cultures.  Gay people are among those as well and no one, not a Catholic, not a Christian, not a Muslim not a Jew has any right to tell me that i don't have a right to my own civil rights because their god doesn't approve.  Your god has no right to infringe upon my rights.  If the way i live my life is condemning me to hell according to your God, that is my choice to make, accept it and let me be.

Gay people do not need to be saved by anyone unless they request it.  Gay people do not need to be condemned or accepted by your God.  And NO PEOPLE should have their civil rights and liberties withheld because you believe in a God that doesn't agree.

The Catholics don't have to bow before a Muslim god.  They don't have to adhere to the Muslim religious ways.  The Jews don't have to bow before a Baptist god.  Nor do they have to adhere to the Baptist views and ways of life.  Why is it okay to force your god's rules on me?  i'm free.  i have a right to choose.  Same as you.

Don't let these injustices go unheard.  Don't let them start to define who is worthy of human rights and who must be persecuted for not fitting in.  Allow it with the gays and your own liberties are in jeopardy as well.

If you can't stand behind the gay movement because you aren't gay, stand behind it because once you allow them to take away our civil rights, they will come after yours.  They will.

MAME today!

Today i get to enjoy one of the *perks* of my job!  i'm taking one of my clients to the musical MAME!

i'm so excited!  For the past two weeks she's been asking me what i'm going to wear.  She's only seen me in scrubs and jeans so she's concerned i won't know how to dress for a musical.  She informed me i may need to select something from her 74 year old wardrobe and borrow a shawl. 

How can you not just smile super sweetly when someone makes such a sweet offer.  i let her know that i had the perfect dress for the musical and that we'd both look smokin hot!

http://www.garlandsummermusicals.org/GSM%20Season.htm

Hope everyone is having as wonderful a weekend as i am!  What a blessing this weekend has been.  Friends, family and fun.

What a gift this day was

What a gift today was!

 

I worked today.  All day.  13 ½  hours.  On the north side of Plano where people live in houses I will never live in, living lives I will never ever experience.  Where I went to stay with Ms. H.  87 years old and one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met, and I’m still processing it all.  Luckily she’s not a hospice case, but I’ve really come to realize we all are.  She’s a fall risk and her daughter doesn’t trust her to be alone and use her walker or use her good judgment to avoid potentially risky behavior.  LOL.  Ms. H told me her daughter protected her too much, that she was smothering her.  I told her that meant she loved her too much.  I promised her I would not smother her, that I was there JUST to help her IF she needed me and that I’d do anything for her.  By the time I left tonight she had no problem asking me to get her this or fetch her that.  Luckily I’m a puppy so that’s kinda up my alley.

 

I hadn’t been there much over an hour when I began to panic.  It had only been an hour that had crawled by because I was learning the joys of becoming a mormon.  I knew I could be engaging and I definitely had some genuine questions, but I didn’t know how I’d survive the day.  Especially when first thing on the list after breakfast was a Home Teachers visit.  Elders from the local “ward” (That’s what they call their congregations…you know as in asylum…) coming to bring her a message. <cough>.  I was also informed that they had the power to bestow blessings.  I told her that sounded like a good deal and she should have one daily!  They came, they chuckled, asked if I was married, delivered a “message” which I still struggle to get from what they said and then left.  That was pretty much the end of the godly stuff, but it did interest me to know the story of how she had been a Methodist preacher’s daughter and devote Methodist for 40 years and got baptized a mormon and has been devote to the LDS church ever since. 

 

See, the secret is when I looked just at her eyes and strained real hard with my ears, she became my grandmother (minus the fact that my grandmother was the daughter of a catholic polish farmer raised in south Texas).  In her eyes she looked just like my grandmother on my father’s side whom I adore, and they even shared the same name.  I was able to feel completely connected to my memories of my grandmother which were always amazing and I wish like hell I could now recall every single word she said to me.  But that’s not why this lady was amazing.  For the first part of our day she shared herself with me.

 

Here husband died 6 years ago.  He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in April and died the day before his 81st birthday in July.  She recanted their first encounter, how he was the looker of the school and she was the only girl that acted like he didn’t exist.  She said he used to follow her up the stairs and call her “Blondie” to which she would reply to him what named she had been “christened with”.  How their first 20 dates went.  How they struggled in their first year of marriage so bad surviving on $50 a month and how much she loved it.  They had 6 kids.  How her life had been such a happy life and how if she died right this minute she would be happy and not regret one thing.  That was important to her.  She looked me straight in the eyes and said, “there is not one thing I can say I wish I had done, one thing I can say I wish I had said.  I did everything I wanted to with my husband and I said everything I wanted to say to him.  Except before he died.  We had a hospice nurse with him in the house 24/7 because chemo wouldn’t have done any good.  So we brought him home to die.  All I wanted to do was take all my clothes off and lay next to him and have him hold me.  But I couldn’t.  The nurse was always there.”  The tears welled in her eyes and her nose turned red and she looked away.  I was embracing her strength to keep my own tears at bay.  She paused for a few seconds and said, “it’s like taking a chocolate bar and a white chocolate bar and melting them together and then deciding you want the white one back.  You just can’t do it.  I was with him for 61 years.”

 

She told me how her mother taught her to never disagree with your husband in public and never give anyone reason to doubt your husband’s character or image.  Traits my own family instilled in me well, I just learned how to apply them to every situation in life and is partly why I’m so silent.  She told me how her husband never gave her any cause to ever employ that wisdom, because he was a great father and the love of her life. 

 

She told me about how blessed and happy her life was and how she only had a period of 3 years that were devastating on her family, other than those three years, the lord had been very kind to her family.  She shared those three years with me. 

 

She showed me her anger when she said it should have been HER that died not her husband.  He was always healthy and strong, she was the one always sick.  She told me she was ANGRY at him for dying first and doing that to her.  Shared her tremendous pain that made her thrash and wail after his passing and how she would fall into these black moments of sadness that she had no memory of, but that her daughter later would recant.

 

She let me know that complete love is possible.  That people are absolutely capable of stepping outside of themselves to whole heartedly love another soul.  To feel amputated and empty when they are gone from this earth.  To love someone so much that you mourn their passing with as much passion as you loved them, and you can survive. 

 

She taught me how to play a new card game.  It’s called hand –n- foot.  It’s silly and simple with a zillion rules and exceptions and MUST have been created by a 10 year old, but it’s highly addictive after the 2nd hand.  She finally got upset and told me if I didn’t start playing competitively, she was going to quit because it wasn’t any fun for her.  Contrary to popular belief, I’m not a competitive girl in the least.  I’m the oldest of 8 with almost 20 years between me and the baby, I’ve always wanted to see them win and be so proud.  I never “let” them win but I’d make them question their moves or strategy and give allowances to change their play, even if it sealed my demise.  I think it’s something I’ve been really wanting to master in this journey I’ve been on.  To know that I don’t have to win to feel good about the game.  Even if I know I could have won, even if I couldn’t have, being able to experience the quiet pride of not needing to exert myself over someone else or put someone else beneath me.  Even though it’s how we are ranked in life, it’s just not how I get my power, it’s not how I feel good.  Being a paralyzed empath is getting me nowhere, I desire to connect with people and be able to remove myself from that fear of feeling pain (even if it’s not my own) so that I can experience life(feelings).  Otherwise my connections will never be strong or genuine.  My words will never be powerful or far reaching.  And while she questioned and chuckled at every move I made, when the final tally was given she was PROUD I had beat her by less than 100 points.  I was proud she was proud of me.  When I left she looked at me with the love of a grandmother and told me I was the kind of girl she wished she had around a lot more and that she hoped I would get to come be with her again, and how much she appreciated making a friend like me. 

 

What an amazing lady and what a gift today was.  I’m so thankful I was open today to receive it.

 

I’ve been dreaming of my brother the past two nights.  The first night’s dream has been haunting me for the past two days.  My brother was a younger teenager and we were in the middle of a gorilla war in Sarajevo.  It was intense and terrifying and I awoke feeling exhausted and like I hadn’t slept at all.  At one point we had to make a move because we were about to be captured and possibly killed.  I moved first and didn’t make sure Jason was with me.  I left him behind.  I can remember leaving and thinking, he has to survive.  But of course I was terrified he wouldn’t.  Next thing I knew he was right beside me.  I know that’s how I felt leaving him behind when I left home several years ago.  Maybe this is the time we come back together.  I’ve had to forgive myself for a lot of things and leaving him behind is something I hope to be able to forgive at some point.  And I hope he’s forgiven me even though i'm sure it broke his heart in some way.

TABC strikes again

Are you fucking kidding me?  These people have nothing better to do than harass gay bars?  Seriously?  Last night the TABC "raided" the Dallas Eagle, a phenominal gay leather bar that has been in good standing forever and has done a tremendous amount of community and charitable support for the Dallas area.  They had the bar shut down by midnight on Friday July 10, 2009.

Evidently Texas is still under the impression that the gay community will just lie down and continue to let these blasphemous transgressions bombard us.  BULLSHIT.  We all need to stand up, we all need to make our voices heard and we all need to let not only Texas, but ANYWHERE USA know that we will NO LONGER be treated as 2nd class citizens or degenerates of society.  We will no longer be treated as anything less than the human beings we are that have every right to love and fuck as we please.

On the heels of the events of the raid on the Rainbow Lounge still fresh and heart in everyone's soul, we need to let "the powers that be" know that we too vote, that we too contribute to society, that we too provide stimulus for our economy, we too pay taxes and we will NOT have our rights restricted.  We will NOT have our homes, communities and families invaded and terrorized.

Check your local communities and papers for information on rallys and demonstrations, this will only end when those that hate us so much realize, we will no longer be silent and roll over.

No right to celebrate

Yesterday was our nation's birthday.  i don't mind being labeled "Unpatriotic" because i'm not proud to be an American.  There are some things that i appreciate about living in America.  i can worship (or not) whatever God i so choose, i can eat, sleep, and roam as i choose and i have the right to vote.  i have the right to speak my opinion.

What i don't appreciate about America is its lack of values and compassion.  It's bigotry and it's blatant and rampant ignorance.  There really is no culture from what i can discern other than the scraps and pieces of other cultures we've melded into some quasi culture we label American.  America was founded with the intention to escape persecution and oppression.  But once here, the only way to do that was to steal land from the people that already inhabited this land and then go on to set up a system of government and way of life that did the exact same thing they were escaping.

Yesterday my family and i went to a friend's house.  A gay couple who live in an apartment complex.  After some great food and conversation we were all anxious to go get in the pool and cool off.  It's been over into the 100's here in Dallas.

There was a moderate amount of people at the pool and after we had been there for about 15 minutes, a bunch of boys (probably aged 8-13) began doing cannonballs into the deep end just a few feet from us.  It was pretty disrespectful and i made eye contact with the mother a few times to see if she would do something to teach her children some degree of consideration when playing in a pool.  But of course she did nothing.

So i swam over to my Daddy and planted a kiss on him.  No tongue, nothing obscene and absolutely nothing inappropriate, save for the fact that it was two women kissing.

The woman IMMEDIATELY yelled for her son to get out of the pool and began verbalizing her displeasure at our "display".  This went unnoticed by the rest of my group until she got outside of the pool, and became MORE enraged that she wasn't being engaged in some sort of moral debate.  Standing outside the gate of the pool and us in the deep end, she felt brave to yell at how disgusting we were and how she didn't believe in homosexuals and we shouldn't be allowed in the pool.  This of course did not go unnoticed.

Daddy became most particularly enraged and had no problems engaging the woman in a verbal sparring match.  It got VERY ugly very fast and finally a young attractive father came over to stop the tirade.  He tried reasoning with the woman and eventually got angry and told her off as well.  He actually filled me with hope.  Here was this young, attractive, all american guy that could easily (not that he does) walk in the world completely self absorbed and indignant of anyone else, but he wasn't.  Clearly he was filled with compassion, tolerance and even integrity.  He definitely gave me hope, even as this other woman yelled at me that i had no right to exist.

i was saddened that our 13 year old felt she needed to scream back at this woman.  The things that were coming out of her mouth were beautiful and intelligent, but you don't ever conquer hatred with hatred, and never through anger.  When it was all over i pulled her real close to me and let her know it was wrong to scream at that woman.  She doesn't understand why its wrong because what she was saying was right, but i tried to make her understand that it would be her generation that would infect the most change in our world, and that will never happen through anger or hatred. 

i've only recently come out, October of 08, so this was the first time i'd been confronted with someone so disgusted with the fact that i lived, it was shocking.  It wasn't hurtful, it was just shocking.  It's easy for me to fly under the radar.  No one would ever look at me and assume i was gay...unless i'm with my girlfriend who is a butch bull dyke and very obviously so.

i don't really know if the south will ever warm up to homosexuals or ever become tolerant, it seems obvious to me that if they do, it will be waaaay after the rest of the nation.  But i still see myself as lucky.  My family still loves me, i'm not alone, and Bella could care less who loves me, just so long as i'm loved.

But the funniest part of this entire ordeal was in the midst of this screaming, angry, emotional exchange, the one thing i remember is my Daddy yelling at that woman to go watch a documentary.

i just thought that was the funniest thing.  i think i giggled all the way home over that one.

So for all the gay bashers out there that are filled with hate at the idea of two people being in love and supporting eachother, i say to you in the words of DaddyRhon...go watch a documentary.

So much love and light to you all my friends. 

Namaste.

Moving On

My friends there is so much on the subject of moving on that needs to be said and i always feel there is never enough time, energy or space to give it the attention it needs, so here is another lame attempt to even touch upon such an important topic.  i've tried in several blogs to hit on some of the points of moving on, this is not different, but i will try and come at it from a fresh perspective.

We as humans live our lives as emotional beings for the most part.  i sincerely believe this is part of what we choose when coming into this plane of existence.  What is the difference between deity and humanness? The ability to feel and let that control you, direct you and guide you.  It's part of what makes our human existence real and worth living.  The addiction to emotion never has amazed me, what DOES amaze me is man's addiction to the worst of emotions.  The addiction to pain, hurt, anger and selfishness.  If you look at it objectively, it's baffling to even begin to consider why humans seem to choose these emotions over the ones that actually feel GOOD and propel you forward, but this is the existence we live in.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with finding justification for what you feel, nothing wrong with acknowledging how you feel in every single moment and nothing at ALL wrong with actually going through each emotion and feeling every little tingle and stab, but at some point, if you want to move on, you have to find a way to put all of the emotion that is chaining you to your misery away.  You have to if you are ready to move forward.

This doesn't mean your feelings are unjustified or invalid, but when you are ready to move on, when you are ready to begin again they no longer serve you.  They hold you back.  They keep you stuck.

i'm not saying this is an easy task to undertake in ANY regard, but it absolutely is something that is completely within your control.  As a matter of fact, you are the only one that has any control over that.

To think that you have to wait for healing to occur before you can move forward or to think that forgiveness has to happen before you move forward is completely false.  Being stuck in emotions that survive on pain and fear being fed, will never propel you forward.  Never.  The  way you achieve healing, the way you achieve forgiveness is in making the conscious effort to combat each thought or feeling as it arises with the unmovable stance of, "this no longer feeds me", and to manually pick your legs up, one leg at a time and move them step by step.  It's a conscious effort that will absolutely reward you with the healing and forgiveness you are trying to attain as you are struggling and sinking in your quicksand of pain and loss.  Healing doesn't come so you CAN move forward, healing is what happens as you BEGIN to move forward.

No person can tell you when it is time to start the very daunting and exhausting task of letting go and moving forward.  No one can tell you now is the time, even though others may see you and believe themselves you are at that point.  YOU have to be at that point because YOU are the one that has to do the mental and physical combative work that is necessary to move foward.  Only you can decide you have the drive and desire to meet each moment of fear and sadness that tries to drag you back into the quicksand with determined persistence to no longer want to swallow one more mouthful of that quicksand.  Only you.  Fuck what anyone else says, fuck anyone else's time frame and fuck anyone else's motive.  YOU have to decide.

If you are still stuck in quicksand, there is a reason.  Be it healthy process or damaging self destruction, the reason is secret to you.  But what i want each of my friends to know is that you are in complete control.  It often feels like we are captives to our emotions.  Like we are powerless to them.  We are not.  We can choose to overcome them just as we can choose to feed them, even though it doesn't often feel like a choice.  It absolutely is.

i've been discussing with my therapist my confusion of this.  i pose to her this question, "If you can see where your pain is coming from, if you can break it down and see it at it's basest level and find understanding and awareness in that, if you can remove your belief that every attack on you is personal, WHY doesn't the pain just automatically go away?  Why doesn't the pain then just stop?"  It made no sense to me that if you can see the root of pain and devastation, if you can see where the transgressions upon you are manifested from within another person and see that it is NOT personal, why doesn't the pain/anger not instantly dissipate?

Because it doesn't.  Because it's a choice. Because healing is absolutely, forgiveness is absolutely something you have to consciously invest in and deliberately (and very often painstakingly) manifest in your life.  You have to do it.  Each step, each thought, each rememberance has to be handled, acknowledged, addressed and filed by you.

Healing and forgiveness is not something that magically happens after you allow yourself an undetermined amount of time to struggle in that quicksand, it happens as you leave a trail of blood and flesh behind  you, as you take each step to move forward, even though it feels hollow and unsuccessful in those first few steps.  But i promise you that IS where the change occurs.  

Moving on is not easy and it's not pretty.  It's bloody and messy and very hard.  You leave pieces of yourself behind and it's easy to look over your shoulder and mourn those pieces, but the festering, draining dead pieces left behind have to fall away from you so that new parts of you can be born.  The old and no longer needed chunks of you that are rotting your heart and soul need to fall off and be left behind so your shiny new parts can begin their work. 

Healing and forgiveness doesn't happen so you can move forward, it is in the moving forward that you find both of these things.  That is a guarantee.

May each one of my friends find their own timeline and their own strength to decide what they want for their life.  May they have the mental and emotional reserve to decide for themsleves where they choose to be and how they choose for their lives to be lived.  Life is short and can be gone in an instant.  That i have learned.  Today is the only day you have.  Yesterday has to be acknowledged and filed.  Tomorrow is never guaranteed.

May you and i alike reach down and grab one of our legs and shuffle it forward.  May we find the peace of mind that comes only when we know we are no longer captives to anyone or anything but our own decisions.  i wish peace of mind and love of self for you all.

So much love and light to you all my friends.

Namaste

unFUCKING believable!!

www.the33tv.com/video/

You don't EVER see cops going into a straight bar to arrest the "intoxicated people" that are within that bar dancing.  This is an OUTRAGE that 40 years to the DAY of Stonewall this bullshit is still allowed to persist and gets support.  i'm incensed and LIVID to live within a state that sees such actions as "just".

To target ANY group of people and deem them as unworthy of basic human rights is an atrocity that should NOT be allowed or encouraged by ANY race or creed of people. We fought AGAINST such acts in WWII when jews, gays and their supporters (anyone that didn't fit the blonde hair blue eyed superior race movement) were being rounded up and decimated.  Just because gays aren't being loaded onto trains and gassed doesn't mean the concept of ignoring basic human rights isn't still persistent in our country which is touted as being the "Land of the Free" 

ANYONE that isn't outraged by this should sincerely take a look at their morals and their judgements.  How dare anyone think they have the right to say gay people are undeserving of basic human rights.  Compassion and understanding are something people have a right to deny, that is a demon they have to face themselves, but the denial of basic human rights is a constitutional transgression.  To stand behind such a notion is not only disgusting it's damaging to everything the Constitution represents.  Bigots and the self righteous alike seem to be in denial that allowing the government or ANY group of people to decide who IS and IS NOT deserving of basic human rights will not stop at the Gays.  Allow it with us and you will soon see it encroaching on other people and other lifestyles that some undetermined "moral majority" deems unworthy.

You should not just be standing up for gays, you should be standing up for yourselves because once we allow the declassification of an entire genre of Americans, it won't stop.  Another group will emerge to be targeted.  Will it be religion?  Will it be sexual style or desires?  Will it be political stance?  Allowing Americans to be segregated into those that are deserving of human rights and those that are not brings us one step closer to a dictatorship or a society much like that in Germany during Hitler's time.  It is also a DIRECT violation of our constitution and what our ancestors fought and died to protect by coming to America.


In the Sun - Joseph Arthur

i don't believe in God and have views about religion that i won't bore anyone with, but i definitely see the value in God Consciousness.  For some reason this song, the way it's sung, touches my heart and makes me ache for people.  The wish is so genuine in the way he sings it and gives me compassion for people when i feel mine waning.  If you can separate the "God" part of it the wish is beautiful.  The sentiment touching.

www.youtube.com/watch

Happy Father's Day!!


It's not just another Sunday.  It's Father's Day.  It shouldn't take a nation of people to acknowledge one day that we should all give love and appreciation to our Father's, but to have one day set aside for that special and magical person is well deserved.  It shouldn't pass as just another day.

Father's Day is a day to put your aches and gaping wounds aside that you have deemed from your childhood at the hands of your Father.  A day to recognize without him you would not exist, and to appreciate your life if you can't appreciate his. 

But for me...

Father's Day has another meaning.  It's a day i want to spend relishing and appreciating the Daddy i have in my life now, that makes it entirely worth living.  Here is what i appreciate about my Daddy and these are the things i want him to know on Father's Day and every day.

i love your laughter.  To make  you laugh in a genuine full and hearty way is my greatest joy and my favorite job.  Even if it's at my expense, the joy and amusement that spreads throughout your being and emanates from you is amazing.

i enjoy your words.  The way that you dress the world my eyes now see is constantly bursting me wide open and showing me the world from so many different angles.  The beauty and poetry that flows from your soul down into your hands and out through your lips has touched and shaped my world and gives wings to my future.

i'm addicted to your touch.  There is no place on earth more suited to me or more safe for me, than that hollow under your arm where i fit so perfectly and can be enveloped by your love.  When i'm scared or lost or joyful or confused, it is the place i seek out.  That place and that place with you alone is what i seek out.

i'm awed by your beauty.  The beauty that you are that you often refuse to acknowledge, i see it clearly and powerfully.  Looking at you and being so lucky to look through you at what you see has been a gift more precious than any i've ever received.  The resilience and endlessness of your compassion and grace inspires me every day and binds me to you tighter and tighter.

i'm aroused by your delicious magnetism.  It sets me on fire and makes my head spin.  It reaches deep inside my being and unlocks the silent pains and fears that hold me back from enjoying all that you've shown me we possess.  It goes beyond my sex and stirs my desire and frees my fantasies.  You make me a gluttoness for your offerings that fuel my cravings.

i'm in love with you.  The ways that you touch me, in anger or love, in passion or denial.  When you are good and when you are bad.  The ways that you nurture and protect the hidden parts of me that aren't easily exposed.  The way you play with me, engage me, discipline me, forgive me, heal me.  i'm in love with you because of all the things that you are.  Because of all the things you've been through and who you are evolving into.  For the ideals you represent and struggle to inject unto a world that seems much more content with devastation and depravity.

And i need you.  In my life.  As my Daddy.  To be my partner.  To grow with, to learn from, to teach, to heal and be healed from, to submerse myself in and become renewed.  To be that for you.  To be possessed by you.  To be yours and only yours for as long as you'll have me.  To be part of you and to lovingly cradle and kiss your radiant heart.

i want you.  i'm yours.  Those two little words you struggle to put faith in are true.  They are my reality.  i'm yours.  And on this Father's Day and in every day that follows it, i hope for you to know and feel how much you are loved, needed, appreciated and adored.  And how lucky you've made me.  How full you make my life.  How full you make my heart.

My cup runneth over.

Happy Father's Day my Daddy.  And many many more.
My wonderfully amazing Daddy has been turning me on to some pretty incredible things in the time that i've been so lucky to know him.  One of the amazing things Daddy has brought into my life is a new genre of books.  Not new by any means to the public at large, but definitely new to a sheltered little girl that grew up on a ranch out in the middle of polish catholic country.  When i began reading this portion of the book i'm going to share with you, something in me became light and almost euphoric.  i suppose it comes from realizing you aren't alone in your feelings.  i'd like to share it with all of you.  (To my male friends, please don't be offended this IS a lesbian book.)

<<<The following is in response to the exuberant statement, "isn't heterosexuality grand?">>>

"It bores me Polina"
"Bores you - What do  you mean?"
"I mean men bore me.  If one of them behaves like and adult it's cause for celebration, and even when they do act human, they still aren't as good in bed as women."
"Maybe you haven't met the right  man?"
"Maybe you haven't met the right woman.  And i bet i've slept with more men than you have, and they all work the same show.  Some are better at it than others but it's boring once you know what women are like."
"You can't sit there and say a thing like that about men."
"Okay, then i won't say anything.  Better to shut my mouth than lie about it."
A disturbed pause.  "What's so different about sleeping with women?  I mean what exactly is the difference?"
"For one thing it's more intense."
"You don't think things between men and women get intense?"
"Of course they do but it's not the same, that's all!"
"How?"
"Oh, lady, there aren't words for it.  i don't know - it's the difference between a pair of roller skates and a Ferrari - ah there aren't words."
"I think the lady doth protest too much.  You wouldn't promote such blatant lesbian propaganda if you were sure of yourself and your sexual identity."
"Propaganda? I took a few minutes to try to answer a question you asked me.  If you want to see blatant propaganda then look at the ads in the subways, magazines, tv, everywhere.  The big pigs use heterosexuality and women's bodies to sell everything in this country - even violence.  Damn, you people are so bad off you got to have computers to match you up these days."
Polina began to get angry, but then she took some time to think about what i had laid on her.  "I never thought of it that way, i mean about advertising and all."
"Well, I sure have.  You don't see ads of women kissing to get you to buy Salem cigarettes, do you?"
She laughed.  "That's funny, that's truly funny.  Why the entire world must look different to you."
"It does.  It looks destructive, diseased and corroded.  People have no selves anymore (maybe they never had them in the first place) so their home base is their sex - their genitals, who they fuck.  It's enough to make a chicken laugh."
"I - are all homosexuals as perceptive as you?"
"I don't know.  I haven't talked to all the homosexuals."  Polina had enough sense to be embarrassed about that last question.
...She began to frankly stare at me.  I liked Polina, maybe I even loved her a little, but this was  hard to take.  I didn't expect such an intelligent woman to be so classic a heterosexual bigot.  I felt like a bug under a magnifying glass.  Oh well, maybe the only beauty left in cities is in the oil slicks on the road and maybe there isn't any beauty left in the people who live in these places.
Polina interrupted this grim line of thought.  "Molly have you slept with many women?"
"Hundreds.  I'm irresistable."
"Be serious."
"I am being serious. I'm irresistable."  I reached over, putting my hands on her shoulders and gave her a kiss that startled both of us.  She began to pull away but then decided to stick it out.  Noble and daring of her.  Predictably, she had to protest after the kiss.
"You shouldn't have done that.  I don't see that you're any different from a man, coming over here and kissing me like that without asking."
"If I had asked you, you wouldn't have kissed me.  Here, let me give you another one, so you can be sure you know the difference.  I'd hate to have you confuse me with the other gender."
Her eyes widened and she started to balk, but I wasn't in a sympathetic mood.  I held her tight and delivered a long french kiss.  She loved it.   She loved it and she hated me for making her love it.  She broke away in full fury.  "How dare you!! How dare you!! I'm old enough to be your mother!"
"I'm old enough to know that doesn't make any difference.  Why don't you climb off your sanctified  prick.  You dig it.  Anyone with half a vagina left would dig it.  Women kissing women is beautiful.  And women making love together is dynamite.  So why don't you jut let yourself  go and get into it."
"This is outrageous.  You're a lunatic."
"That's a distinct possibility but at least i know what i'm talking about from practical experience.  You only know one side of the story--"
... "When I make love to women I think of their genitals as a rubyfruit jungle."
"Rubyfruit jungle?"
"Yeah, women are thick and rich and full of hidden treasures and besides that, they taste good."