Click the link above to read the article as i did.
How insane is it that one person can call a police station and complain about a local gay bar, and have the swat and teams of police officers raining down on it within the hour? You can't even get that kind of response if you report to the police that the neighbors that live two houses down from you are selling crack to kids.
There is this sickening detachment a large portion of society has from recognizing gay people as people. With the right to shop in stores, buy cars, kiss their lovers, vote, contribute to the economy, contribute to society, and even shoot back a couple of beers with people like themselves. We even contain ourselves to our own bars so as not to offend the delicate natures of those that are detached with judgment and selfrighteousness.
But even locked away in dark rooms with hidden doors, society doesn't want us to be able to have community. They want us to not exist and think they have the right to badger us, until we all crawl back underground.
Fuck That.
This country was founded on people escaping religious persecution and oppression of their civil liberties. So what right does anyone have to tell me that THEIR god has deemed me unworthy to live or walk the earth? There are holidays set up to give acknowledgement and respect for all different religions. All different cultures. Gay people are among those as well and no one, not a Catholic, not a Christian, not a Muslim not a Jew has any right to tell me that i don't have a right to my own civil rights because their god doesn't approve. Your god has no right to infringe upon my rights. If the way i live my life is condemning me to hell according to your God, that is my choice to make, accept it and let me be.
Gay people do not need to be saved by anyone unless they request it. Gay people do not need to be condemned or accepted by your God. And NO PEOPLE should have their civil rights and liberties withheld because you believe in a God that doesn't agree.
The Catholics don't have to bow before a Muslim god. They don't have to adhere to the Muslim religious ways. The Jews don't have to bow before a Baptist god. Nor do they have to adhere to the Baptist views and ways of life. Why is it okay to force your god's rules on me? i'm free. i have a right to choose. Same as you.
Don't let these injustices go unheard. Don't let them start to define who is worthy of human rights and who must be persecuted for not fitting in. Allow it with the gays and your own liberties are in jeopardy as well.
If you can't stand behind the gay movement because you aren't gay, stand behind it because once you allow them to take away our civil rights, they will come after yours. They will.
i'm so excited! For the past two weeks she's been asking me what i'm going to wear. She's only seen me in scrubs and jeans so she's concerned i won't know how to dress for a musical. She informed me i may need to select something from her 74 year old wardrobe and borrow a shawl.
How can you not just smile super sweetly when someone makes such a sweet offer. i let her know that i had the perfect dress for the musical and that we'd both look smokin hot!
http://www.garlandsummermusicals.org/GS
Hope everyone is having as wonderful a weekend as i am! What a blessing this weekend has been. Friends, family and fun.
What a gift today was!
I worked today. All day. 13 ½ hours. On the north side of
I hadn’t been there much over an hour when I began to panic. It had only been an hour that had crawled by because I was learning the joys of becoming a mormon. I knew I could be engaging and I definitely had some genuine questions, but I didn’t know how I’d survive the day. Especially when first thing on the list after breakfast was a Home Teachers visit. Elders from the local “ward” (That’s what they call their congregations…you know as in asylum…) coming to bring her a message. <cough>. I was also informed that they had the power to bestow blessings. I told her that sounded like a good deal and she should have one daily! They came, they chuckled, asked if I was married, delivered a “message” which I still struggle to get from what they said and then left. That was pretty much the end of the godly stuff, but it did interest me to know the story of how she had been a Methodist preacher’s daughter and devote Methodist for 40 years and got baptized a mormon and has been devote to the LDS church ever since.
See, the secret is when I looked just at her eyes and strained real hard with my ears, she became my grandmother (minus the fact that my grandmother was the daughter of a catholic polish farmer raised in south
Here husband died 6 years ago. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in April and died the day before his 81st birthday in July. She recanted their first encounter, how he was the looker of the school and she was the only girl that acted like he didn’t exist. She said he used to follow her up the stairs and call her “Blondie” to which she would reply to him what named she had been “christened with”. How their first 20 dates went. How they struggled in their first year of marriage so bad surviving on $50 a month and how much she loved it. They had 6 kids. How her life had been such a happy life and how if she died right this minute she would be happy and not regret one thing. That was important to her. She looked me straight in the eyes and said, “there is not one thing I can say I wish I had done, one thing I can say I wish I had said. I did everything I wanted to with my husband and I said everything I wanted to say to him. Except before he died. We had a hospice nurse with him in the house 24/7 because chemo wouldn’t have done any good. So we brought him home to die. All I wanted to do was take all my clothes off and lay next to him and have him hold me. But I couldn’t. The nurse was always there.” The tears welled in her eyes and her nose turned red and she looked away. I was embracing her strength to keep my own tears at bay. She paused for a few seconds and said, “it’s like taking a chocolate bar and a white chocolate bar and melting them together and then deciding you want the white one back. You just can’t do it. I was with him for 61 years.”
She told me how her mother taught her to never disagree with your husband in public and never give anyone reason to doubt your husband’s character or image. Traits my own family instilled in me well, I just learned how to apply them to every situation in life and is partly why I’m so silent. She told me how her husband never gave her any cause to ever employ that wisdom, because he was a great father and the love of her life.
She told me about how blessed and happy her life was and how she only had a period of 3 years that were devastating on her family, other than those three years, the lord had been very kind to her family. She shared those three years with me.
She showed me her anger when she said it should have been HER that died not her husband. He was always healthy and strong, she was the one always sick. She told me she was ANGRY at him for dying first and doing that to her. Shared her tremendous pain that made her thrash and wail after his passing and how she would fall into these black moments of sadness that she had no memory of, but that her daughter later would recant.
She let me know that complete love is possible. That people are absolutely capable of stepping outside of themselves to whole heartedly love another soul. To feel amputated and empty when they are gone from this earth. To love someone so much that you mourn their passing with as much passion as you loved them, and you can survive.
She taught me how to play a new card game. It’s called hand –n- foot. It’s silly and simple with a zillion rules and exceptions and MUST have been created by a 10 year old, but it’s highly addictive after the 2nd hand. She finally got upset and told me if I didn’t start playing competitively, she was going to quit because it wasn’t any fun for her. Contrary to popular belief, I’m not a competitive girl in the least. I’m the oldest of 8 with almost 20 years between me and the baby, I’ve always wanted to see them win and be so proud. I never “let” them win but I’d make them question their moves or strategy and give allowances to change their play, even if it sealed my demise. I think it’s something I’ve been really wanting to master in this journey I’ve been on. To know that I don’t have to win to feel good about the game. Even if I know I could have won, even if I couldn’t have, being able to experience the quiet pride of not needing to exert myself over someone else or put someone else beneath me. Even though it’s how we are ranked in life, it’s just not how I get my power, it’s not how I feel good. Being a paralyzed empath is getting me nowhere, I desire to connect with people and be able to remove myself from that fear of feeling pain (even if it’s not my own) so that I can experience life(feelings). Otherwise my connections will never be strong or genuine. My words will never be powerful or far reaching. And while she questioned and chuckled at every move I made, when the final tally was given she was PROUD I had beat her by less than 100 points. I was proud she was proud of me. When I left she looked at me with the love of a grandmother and told me I was the kind of girl she wished she had around a lot more and that she hoped I would get to come be with her again, and how much she appreciated making a friend like me.
What an amazing lady and what a gift today was. I’m so thankful I was open today to receive it.
I’ve been dreaming of my brother the past two nights. The first night’s dream has been haunting me for the past two days. My brother was a younger teenager and we were in the middle of a gorilla war in
Evidently Texas is still under the impression that the gay community will just lie down and continue to let these blasphemous transgressions bombard us. BULLSHIT. We all need to stand up, we all need to make our voices heard and we all need to let not only Texas, but ANYWHERE USA know that we will NO LONGER be treated as 2nd class citizens or degenerates of society. We will no longer be treated as anything less than the human beings we are that have every right to love and fuck as we please.
On the heels of the events of the raid on the Rainbow Lounge still fresh and heart in everyone's soul, we need to let "the powers that be" know that we too vote, that we too contribute to society, that we too provide stimulus for our economy, we too pay taxes and we will NOT have our rights restricted. We will NOT have our homes, communities and families invaded and terrorized.
Check your local communities and papers for information on rallys and demonstrations, this will only end when those that hate us so much realize, we will no longer be silent and roll over.
What i don't appreciate about America is its lack of values and compassion. It's bigotry and it's blatant and rampant ignorance. There really is no culture from what i can discern other than the scraps and pieces of other cultures we've melded into some quasi culture we label American. America was founded with the intention to escape persecution and oppression. But once here, the only way to do that was to steal land from the people that already inhabited this land and then go on to set up a system of government and way of life that did the exact same thing they were escaping.
Yesterday my family and i went to a friend's house. A gay couple who live in an apartment complex. After some great food and conversation we were all anxious to go get in the pool and cool off. It's been over into the 100's here in Dallas.
There was a moderate amount of people at the pool and after we had been there for about 15 minutes, a bunch of boys (probably aged 8-13) began doing cannonballs into the deep end just a few feet from us. It was pretty disrespectful and i made eye contact with the mother a few times to see if she would do something to teach her children some degree of consideration when playing in a pool. But of course she did nothing.
So i swam over to my Daddy and planted a kiss on him. No tongue, nothing obscene and absolutely nothing inappropriate, save for the fact that it was two women kissing.
The woman IMMEDIATELY yelled for her son to get out of the pool and began verbalizing her displeasure at our "display". This went unnoticed by the rest of my group until she got outside of the pool, and became MORE enraged that she wasn't being engaged in some sort of moral debate. Standing outside the gate of the pool and us in the deep end, she felt brave to yell at how disgusting we were and how she didn't believe in homosexuals and we shouldn't be allowed in the pool. This of course did not go unnoticed.
Daddy became most particularly enraged and had no problems engaging the woman in a verbal sparring match. It got VERY ugly very fast and finally a young attractive father came over to stop the tirade. He tried reasoning with the woman and eventually got angry and told her off as well. He actually filled me with hope. Here was this young, attractive, all american guy that could easily (not that he does) walk in the world completely self absorbed and indignant of anyone else, but he wasn't. Clearly he was filled with compassion, tolerance and even integrity. He definitely gave me hope, even as this other woman yelled at me that i had no right to exist.
i was saddened that our 13 year old felt she needed to scream back at this woman. The things that were coming out of her mouth were beautiful and intelligent, but you don't ever conquer hatred with hatred, and never through anger. When it was all over i pulled her real close to me and let her know it was wrong to scream at that woman. She doesn't understand why its wrong because what she was saying was right, but i tried to make her understand that it would be her generation that would infect the most change in our world, and that will never happen through anger or hatred.
i've only recently come out, October of 08, so this was the first time i'd been confronted with someone so disgusted with the fact that i lived, it was shocking. It wasn't hurtful, it was just shocking. It's easy for me to fly under the radar. No one would ever look at me and assume i was gay...unless i'm with my girlfriend who is a butch bull dyke and very obviously so.
i don't really know if the south will ever warm up to homosexuals or ever become tolerant, it seems obvious to me that if they do, it will be waaaay after the rest of the nation. But i still see myself as lucky. My family still loves me, i'm not alone, and Bella could care less who loves me, just so long as i'm loved.
But the funniest part of this entire ordeal was in the midst of this screaming, angry, emotional exchange, the one thing i remember is my Daddy yelling at that woman to go watch a documentary.
i just thought that was the funniest thing. i think i giggled all the way home over that one.
So for all the gay bashers out there that are filled with hate at the idea of two people being in love and supporting eachother, i say to you in the words of DaddyRhon...go watch a documentary.
So much love and light to you all my friends.
Namaste.
We as humans live our lives as emotional beings for the most part. i sincerely believe this is part of what we choose when coming into this plane of existence. What is the difference between deity and humanness? The ability to feel and let that control you, direct you and guide you. It's part of what makes our human existence real and worth living. The addiction to emotion never has amazed me, what DOES amaze me is man's addiction to the worst of emotions. The addiction to pain, hurt, anger and selfishness. If you look at it objectively, it's baffling to even begin to consider why humans seem to choose these emotions over the ones that actually feel GOOD and propel you forward, but this is the existence we live in.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with finding justification for what you feel, nothing wrong with acknowledging how you feel in every single moment and nothing at ALL wrong with actually going through each emotion and feeling every little tingle and stab, but at some point, if you want to move on, you have to find a way to put all of the emotion that is chaining you to your misery away. You have to if you are ready to move forward.
This doesn't mean your feelings are unjustified or invalid, but when you are ready to move on, when you are ready to begin again they no longer serve you. They hold you back. They keep you stuck.
i'm not saying this is an easy task to undertake in ANY regard, but it absolutely is something that is completely within your control. As a matter of fact, you are the only one that has any control over that.
To think that you have to wait for healing to occur before you can move forward or to think that forgiveness has to happen before you move forward is completely false. Being stuck in emotions that survive on pain and fear being fed, will never propel you forward. Never. The way you achieve healing, the way you achieve forgiveness is in making the conscious effort to combat each thought or feeling as it arises with the unmovable stance of, "this no longer feeds me", and to manually pick your legs up, one leg at a time and move them step by step. It's a conscious effort that will absolutely reward you with the healing and forgiveness you are trying to attain as you are struggling and sinking in your quicksand of pain and loss. Healing doesn't come so you CAN move forward, healing is what happens as you BEGIN to move forward.
No person can tell you when it is time to start the very daunting and exhausting task of letting go and moving forward. No one can tell you now is the time, even though others may see you and believe themselves you are at that point. YOU have to be at that point because YOU are the one that has to do the mental and physical combative work that is necessary to move foward. Only you can decide you have the drive and desire to meet each moment of fear and sadness that tries to drag you back into the quicksand with determined persistence to no longer want to swallow one more mouthful of that quicksand. Only you. Fuck what anyone else says, fuck anyone else's time frame and fuck anyone else's motive. YOU have to decide.
If you are still stuck in quicksand, there is a reason. Be it healthy process or damaging self destruction, the reason is secret to you. But what i want each of my friends to know is that you are in complete control. It often feels like we are captives to our emotions. Like we are powerless to them. We are not. We can choose to overcome them just as we can choose to feed them, even though it doesn't often feel like a choice. It absolutely is.
i've been discussing with my therapist my confusion of this. i pose to her this question, "If you can see where your pain is coming from, if you can break it down and see it at it's basest level and find understanding and awareness in that, if you can remove your belief that every attack on you is personal, WHY doesn't the pain just automatically go away? Why doesn't the pain then just stop?" It made no sense to me that if you can see the root of pain and devastation, if you can see where the transgressions upon you are manifested from within another person and see that it is NOT personal, why doesn't the pain/anger not instantly dissipate?
Because it doesn't. Because it's a choice. Because healing is absolutely, forgiveness is absolutely something you have to consciously invest in and deliberately (and very often painstakingly) manifest in your life. You have to do it. Each step, each thought, each rememberance has to be handled, acknowledged, addressed and filed by you.
Healing and forgiveness is not something that magically happens after you allow yourself an undetermined amount of time to struggle in that quicksand, it happens as you leave a trail of blood and flesh behind you, as you take each step to move forward, even though it feels hollow and unsuccessful in those first few steps. But i promise you that IS where the change occurs.
Moving on is not easy and it's not pretty. It's bloody and messy and very hard. You leave pieces of yourself behind and it's easy to look over your shoulder and mourn those pieces, but the festering, draining dead pieces left behind have to fall away from you so that new parts of you can be born. The old and no longer needed chunks of you that are rotting your heart and soul need to fall off and be left behind so your shiny new parts can begin their work.
Healing and forgiveness doesn't happen so you can move forward, it is in the moving forward that you find both of these things. That is a guarantee.
May each one of my friends find their own timeline and their own strength to decide what they want for their life. May they have the mental and emotional reserve to decide for themsleves where they choose to be and how they choose for their lives to be lived. Life is short and can be gone in an instant. That i have learned. Today is the only day you have. Yesterday has to be acknowledged and filed. Tomorrow is never guaranteed.
May you and i alike reach down and grab one of our legs and shuffle it forward. May we find the peace of mind that comes only when we know we are no longer captives to anyone or anything but our own decisions. i wish peace of mind and love of self for you all.
So much love and light to you all my friends.
Namaste
You don't EVER see cops going into a straight bar to arrest the "intoxicated people" that are within that bar dancing. This is an OUTRAGE that 40 years to the DAY of Stonewall this bullshit is still allowed to persist and gets support. i'm incensed and LIVID to live within a state that sees such actions as "just".
To target ANY group of people and deem them as unworthy of basic human rights is an atrocity that should NOT be allowed or encouraged by ANY race or creed of people. We fought AGAINST such acts in WWII when jews, gays and their supporters (anyone that didn't fit the blonde hair blue eyed superior race movement) were being rounded up and decimated. Just because gays aren't being loaded onto trains and gassed doesn't mean the concept of ignoring basic human rights isn't still persistent in our country which is touted as being the "Land of the Free"
ANYONE that isn't outraged by this should sincerely take a look at their morals and their judgements. How dare anyone think they have the right to say gay people are undeserving of basic human rights. Compassion and understanding are something people have a right to deny, that is a demon they have to face themselves, but the denial of basic human rights is a constitutional transgression. To stand behind such a notion is not only disgusting it's damaging to everything the Constitution represents. Bigots and the self righteous alike seem to be in denial that allowing the government or ANY group of people to decide who IS and IS NOT deserving of basic human rights will not stop at the Gays. Allow it with us and you will soon see it encroaching on other people and other lifestyles that some undetermined "moral majority" deems unworthy.
You should not just be standing up for gays, you should be standing up for yourselves because once we allow the declassification of an entire genre of Americans, it won't stop. Another group will emerge to be targeted. Will it be religion? Will it be sexual style or desires? Will it be political stance? Allowing Americans to be segregated into those that are deserving of human rights and those that are not brings us one step closer to a dictatorship or a society much like that in Germany during Hitler's time. It is also a DIRECT violation of our constitution and what our ancestors fought and died to protect by coming to America.
www.youtube.com/watch
It's not just another Sunday. It's Father's Day. It shouldn't take a nation of people to acknowledge one day that we should all give love and appreciation to our Father's, but to have one day set aside for that special and magical person is well deserved. It shouldn't pass as just another day.
Father's Day is a day to put your aches and gaping wounds aside that you have deemed from your childhood at the hands of your Father. A day to recognize without him you would not exist, and to appreciate your life if you can't appreciate his.
But for me...
Father's Day has another meaning. It's a day i want to spend relishing and appreciating the Daddy i have in my life now, that makes it entirely worth living. Here is what i appreciate about my Daddy and these are the things i want him to know on Father's Day and every day.
i love your laughter. To make you laugh in a genuine full and hearty way is my greatest joy and my favorite job. Even if it's at my expense, the joy and amusement that spreads throughout your being and emanates from you is amazing.
i enjoy your words. The way that you dress the world my eyes now see is constantly bursting me wide open and showing me the world from so many different angles. The beauty and poetry that flows from your soul down into your hands and out through your lips has touched and shaped my world and gives wings to my future.
i'm addicted to your touch. There is no place on earth more suited to me or more safe for me, than that hollow under your arm where i fit so perfectly and can be enveloped by your love. When i'm scared or lost or joyful or confused, it is the place i seek out. That place and that place with you alone is what i seek out.
i'm awed by your beauty. The beauty that you are that you often refuse to acknowledge, i see it clearly and powerfully. Looking at you and being so lucky to look through you at what you see has been a gift more precious than any i've ever received. The resilience and endlessness of your compassion and grace inspires me every day and binds me to you tighter and tighter.
i'm aroused by your delicious magnetism. It sets me on fire and makes my head spin. It reaches deep inside my being and unlocks the silent pains and fears that hold me back from enjoying all that you've shown me we possess. It goes beyond my sex and stirs my desire and frees my fantasies. You make me a gluttoness for your offerings that fuel my cravings.
i'm in love with you. The ways that you touch me, in anger or love, in passion or denial. When you are good and when you are bad. The ways that you nurture and protect the hidden parts of me that aren't easily exposed. The way you play with me, engage me, discipline me, forgive me, heal me. i'm in love with you because of all the things that you are. Because of all the things you've been through and who you are evolving into. For the ideals you represent and struggle to inject unto a world that seems much more content with devastation and depravity.
And i need you. In my life. As my Daddy. To be my partner. To grow with, to learn from, to teach, to heal and be healed from, to submerse myself in and become renewed. To be that for you. To be possessed by you. To be yours and only yours for as long as you'll have me. To be part of you and to lovingly cradle and kiss your radiant heart.
i want you. i'm yours. Those two little words you struggle to put faith in are true. They are my reality. i'm yours. And on this Father's Day and in every day that follows it, i hope for you to know and feel how much you are loved, needed, appreciated and adored. And how lucky you've made me. How full you make my life. How full you make my heart.
My cup runneth over.
Happy Father's Day my Daddy. And many many more.
<<<The following is in response to the exuberant statement, "isn't heterosexuality grand?">>>
"It bores me Polina"
"Bores you - What do you mean?"
"I mean men bore me. If one of them behaves like and adult it's cause for celebration, and even when they do act human, they still aren't as good in bed as women."
"Maybe you haven't met the right man?"
"Maybe you haven't met the right woman. And i bet i've slept with more men than you have, and they all work the same show. Some are better at it than others but it's boring once you know what women are like."
"You can't sit there and say a thing like that about men."
"Okay, then i won't say anything. Better to shut my mouth than lie about it."
A disturbed pause. "What's so different about sleeping with women? I mean what exactly is the difference?"
"For one thing it's more intense."
"You don't think things between men and women get intense?"
"Of course they do but it's not the same, that's all!"
"How?"
"Oh, lady, there aren't words for it. i don't know - it's the difference between a pair of roller skates and a Ferrari - ah there aren't words."
"I think the lady doth protest too much. You wouldn't promote such blatant lesbian propaganda if you were sure of yourself and your sexual identity."
"Propaganda? I took a few minutes to try to answer a question you asked me. If you want to see blatant propaganda then look at the ads in the subways, magazines, tv, everywhere. The big pigs use heterosexuality and women's bodies to sell everything in this country - even violence. Damn, you people are so bad off you got to have computers to match you up these days."
Polina began to get angry, but then she took some time to think about what i had laid on her. "I never thought of it that way, i mean about advertising and all."
"Well, I sure have. You don't see ads of women kissing to get you to buy Salem cigarettes, do you?"
She laughed. "That's funny, that's truly funny. Why the entire world must look different to you."
"It does. It looks destructive, diseased and corroded. People have no selves anymore (maybe they never had them in the first place) so their home base is their sex - their genitals, who they fuck. It's enough to make a chicken laugh."
"I - are all homosexuals as perceptive as you?"
"I don't know. I haven't talked to all the homosexuals." Polina had enough sense to be embarrassed about that last question.
...She began to frankly stare at me. I liked Polina, maybe I even loved her a little, but this was hard to take. I didn't expect such an intelligent woman to be so classic a heterosexual bigot. I felt like a bug under a magnifying glass. Oh well, maybe the only beauty left in cities is in the oil slicks on the road and maybe there isn't any beauty left in the people who live in these places.
Polina interrupted this grim line of thought. "Molly have you slept with many women?"
"Hundreds. I'm irresistable."
"Be serious."
"I am being serious. I'm irresistable." I reached over, putting my hands on her shoulders and gave her a kiss that startled both of us. She began to pull away but then decided to stick it out. Noble and daring of her. Predictably, she had to protest after the kiss.
"You shouldn't have done that. I don't see that you're any different from a man, coming over here and kissing me like that without asking."
"If I had asked you, you wouldn't have kissed me. Here, let me give you another one, so you can be sure you know the difference. I'd hate to have you confuse me with the other gender."
Her eyes widened and she started to balk, but I wasn't in a sympathetic mood. I held her tight and delivered a long french kiss. She loved it. She loved it and she hated me for making her love it. She broke away in full fury. "How dare you!! How dare you!! I'm old enough to be your mother!"
"I'm old enough to know that doesn't make any difference. Why don't you climb off your sanctified prick. You dig it. Anyone with half a vagina left would dig it. Women kissing women is beautiful. And women making love together is dynamite. So why don't you jut let yourself go and get into it."
"This is outrageous. You're a lunatic."
"That's a distinct possibility but at least i know what i'm talking about from practical experience. You only know one side of the story--"
... "When I make love to women I think of their genitals as a rubyfruit jungle."
"Rubyfruit jungle?"
"Yeah, women are thick and rich and full of hidden treasures and besides that, they taste good."
So grateful was she that her face was hidden behind a mask. It hid all the shock and wonder that kept leaping across her face. She looked around the dungeon and couldn’t believe the sights that were seeping into her secret erotic subconscious. Her pulse quickened and her breasts heaved against the leather restraint of her corset, threatening to let her nipples escape and spill out for all eyes to see. Pink and erect. Obviously aroused. And then…without warning…a hand slowly glides around her neck from behind and she feels fingers closing around her throat. She dared not move when she heard the low growling in her ear. This is why she was here. This is why she ventured out into the chaos and decadence that IS a Masquerade Ball…
This year Beyond Vanilla will be hosting a Masquerade Ball Saturday night at the Sanctuary. Tickets will be on sale Saturday morning outside the vendor area for $20 dollars each. Tickets are limited so be sure to get in line early to purchase yours!
We will be providing decadent refreshments, opportunities for commemorative photos of your evening and attire, an entire dungeon to indulge your most sadistic or masochistic urges, an orgy room to pique your interests and the ever present potential for a play session with our Masquerade Ball Host and Hostess.
Opportunities to volunteer at the Masquerade Ball are available and interest should be directed to babygirl at playparty@beyondvanilla.org . All volunteers will receive free admission into the Play Party and my forever burning gratitude. Not to mention you get to be part of creating one of THE premier kink events of the year!
So come in drag and come with your mask and indulge every one of your erotic senses under a blanket of confidentiality at our…
Masquerade Ball
Play party from 9pm – 2am Saturday September 26th. You do NOT want to miss this…
For more information on Beyond Vanilla XIX : Keepers of the Flame , please visit www.beyondvanilla.org
She's definitely got me trained and i even find her little personality traits charming and adorable. Even when i have to lift the leather chair up 13 THOUSAND times a day because she keeps pushing her ball under it. i love her and all of her bizzarre little quirks. Sometimes if she's playing with her ball and you are trying to talk to her, she drops her ball to give you her attention...but she places her front right paw ON TOP of the ball to make sure nobody tries to steal it from her while she's being a good girl and listening to her momma.
She's definitely a trip but she keeps me laughing all the time. And i just think the world of her. i've never known a dog with such tangible personality traits. Or a dog that tries so clearly to communicate and understand. She's just as amazing as she is rotten sometimes. She even GROWLED at Daddy the other day when he tried to take the rawhide away from her, but she let him do it, just showed her extreme displeasure. She's barred her teeth and growled at me before, but i'm swift to remind her who is alpha dog! But then of course after that i go fill up her food bowl and fetch her ball so i'm not sure she's really getting the message. But when you have a little baby that looks at you like this...
From the tree house, full of balls and contentment ...Namaste to you all my friends.
Bella has been adjusting to life in the treehouse for exactly two weeks now. She's saddened to not have free run of the house and it breaks my heart to hear her whimper cause she can't tear shit up like she wanna do. She's really a good girl and just wants space to play with her many many different balls. Bella's got probably about 12 balls and she knows them ALL by name. And by george if she wants to play with the yellow ball, none of the other 11 balls will do and that's just that. What i THOUGHT she would have a problem with was going from being the only loveable furball in the family to being one of THREE loveable furballs, but she seems to be dealing with her two new siblings much the same way that my family deals with everything. Staunch denial. She just pretends most of the time the other two dogs are invisible!! Which you would imagine would be hard to do when they are chasing you around the house biting at your furry lil tail. But Bella has learned how to give full attention to her denial and often times doesn't even acknowledge the other barking very upset dog's presence at all. Much to their confused dismay...
ChaCha can't figure out why Bella doesn't even flinch when she barks and launches at her face with teeth bared and snarling. But when Bella wants to play ball...we all know Bella will play ball!
i found myself doubled over with laughter yesterday because poor lil Cha Cha (what? 4lbs?) was getting RUN OVER by Bella (almost 13lbs!!). It was the funniest train wreck i've ever seen. How poor chacha escaped unscathed is beyond me. She's just very flexible is all i can say. What was funny was that she was furiously chasing Bella with EVERY intention of biting her nose off but Bella would just ZOOM right over Cha Cha while in pursuit of the in flight ball of choice. Bella acted like nothing had happened and Cha Cha would untangle herself and just stare at me completely dumbfounded. Just in absolute shock. Nothing worked on that crazy, slightly OCD, Bella. But Cha Cha persisted with the only thing she knew. Mock terror.
As always i think about how that parallels my life. It's funny how in life it's the loud, boisterous, IN your Face people that are so full of anger and hatred that are so scared and insecure. That's so true even in the canine world. Bella is completely secure, and slightly OCD, in who she is and is unphased by Cha Cha's veiled attempts at gaining self respect. Therefore she doesn't even need to acknowledge that they exist. But she respects Cha Cha's choice on where she sleeps and if she's allowed to eat out of the communal food dish. She completely respects that she's entered unto and visiting upon Cha Cha's turf. She's just not going to let Cha Cha's need to assert herself stop her from doing and being who she is and what she wants. i can see how that parallels my life also in my interactions with people sometimes. It's amazing to watch these cycles begin and gather momentum and begin to spin wildly out of control. And you find yourself wondering what it is you HAVEN'T tried to somehow break it and end the nauseating chain reaction. But even though there is a discouraged feeling, all hope isn't lost because at least you take comfort in knowing that you DO have the power to break that cycle. THAT you can see clearly.
i know that eventually Bella will realize that this is her home too and not just some place we are visiting for a bit and she'll feel more comfortable asserting her place within the familial structure. Her and Cha Cha are going to have to figure it out and find a way to co-habitate because neither one of them is going anywhere. They are both loved and valued and part of a bigger family that needs them. It'll be interesting to watch it unfold. Bella always entertains and shows me little wisdoms.
Oh my Bella and her life lessons. She's one of the most magical beings i've ever known. Who also happens to have a compulsion for eating the crotch out of wayward panties dropped on the floor.
i don't know what i'd ever be able to do without her. And i don't know how i'd get through all the pain i walk through...without her. She always reminds me hope is not lost. A smart dog that wants to communicate will find a way to communicate. The loudest dog doesn't always run the pack. And that nothing in this world tastes better than day old panties.
Evidently.
So much love and light to you all my friends. Namaste.
Happy 57th Birthday Robert!!
It’s your birthday today. You’re 57!! Can’t even believe it huh? You’ve been gone 3 months now. I don’t think this sadness will ever dissipate. Everyone misses you a lot. You saw how many people were at your memorial, and I know you saw how much we all love you.
I finally made it out to my first 4th Friday since you passed. Every month as it rolls around I just couldn’t bring myself to face you not being there and always found a reason to justify not going so I wouldn’t feel like a chicken. I went and I made it through. It’s amazing to me how everyone’s life around me still seems to go on as if nothing has changed and my world is so completely different. 4th Friday will never feel right for me without you there.
Something else funny is I’ve had to train myself to not look at white vans. For the first two months after you passed every time I would see a white van like yours I would strain to see if it was you. Only to be brutally reminded that your truck doesn’t even exist anymore, or maybe little Robert took it back to
Speaking of little Robert, I finally met him and Dakota. OH how proud you must be! Little Robert is going to make you incredibly proud and I know that there is nothing in this world he cannot accomplish now with you watching over him. Dakota didn’t really talk much. He really just deferred to L.R. Your dad didn’t recognize me when I went over to your house! He said it was the bright red hair that threw him off,
Thank you so much for watching over me. I feel you a lot. And I notice all the times you show me that you are right there. And I’m present with you in each one of those moments. I know you have Janie to watch over and the boys and Freddie, and I know your heart so you are watching over everyone you’ve ever loved and that is a very long list. You loved and were loved by many.
Did you know that you are one of my most influential people in my life? You’ve touched, shaped and added a lot to my life and my future. You showed me how to open my heart in ways I hadn’t ever let it be open before. You were my very first sexually satisfying relationship and you were my first foray into the BDSM lifestyle. I’ve learned things and experienced things and gotten to see and do things with and through you that I never would have, had it not been for you. You truly blessed my life Robert. You absolutely cleared the confusion out of my head so I could clearly see what I needed and what I had to do. You always made it okay for me to be myself, in whatever representation it was taking at that moment. You have this youthful excitement that comes over you when you have a playful and grand idea, be it deviant or not. This smile that spreads across your face and lifts your eyebrows. This way of making me say, “I’ll do it!!” before I even know what you are about to say. You are without a doubt fun. Something about you that I appreciate so much more now than I did when I was with you is your big wide open arms. You are so accepting and kind to everyone. You make people feel safe and at ease. You make people feel welcome and wanted. No one ever feels like a stranger around you. I took that essence of you with me when I went to 4th Friday. I’m incorporating that beautiful lesson I learned from you into the person I’m growing into. There are other parts of you that will grow with me like that.
It’s surprising to me how much of you is around me. Whether it’s clothes you bought me, toys or other things. I can’t bring myself to throw any of them away, it just feels really wrong like I’d be throwing pieces of my history with you away and I hold them so sacred. It’s so silly I’m still refusing to throw away the AMAZING vibrator you gave me that decided to finally conk out. (part of me thinks you did that one on purpose…). I know that you aren’t truly “in” those things it’s just hard to throw them away still. That’s all.
I guess the reason this is messing me up so badly is because you should still be here. You should, without a doubt, still be here. Why you’re not, I struggle to comprehend. People want to glorify how you died and praise it. People want to say it was just your time or whatever they have to think to make it easier to swallow, but it’s all bullshit. You should still be here. I know you still had a lot of things to do. I keep seeing a countdown to your death that plays over and over in my head and sends absolute panic through me. It started with seeing the few hours before you died and how unaware you were that you only had 2 hours left here. An hour and a half. Thirty minutes. Ten seconds. Then it started with the week before you died. Counting down the days and hours and minutes. Then the two weeks and now I’ve gone back the three years I’ve known you. I think back to all the precious moments I wish we had known what the count down was. So we could have marinated in them a little while longer.
You’re passing has been really hard on me. I don’t feel responsible anymore, I just feel so sad. So very very sad that you’re not here. And you should be.
Happy 57th Birthday Robert. You’re a good soul. And you are so very missed down here among the living. Happy Birthday.
It took my Daddy a really long time to make the little treehouse a home for him and Meesha. It took him a really long time to accept that he lived here and INVEST himself to make this his and Meesha's home. It didn't take him any time to make this a home for me. Even Meesha is bravely offering her home and space and Daddy to share with me. i genuinely hope she lets me close to her. There is so much i can offer her, but only if she wants it.
i feel so differently at this point in my life today than i did last year. Everything is so different and i'm heading in such a different direction. But i'm excited and i look forward to getting to walk next to Rhon. i'm excited to make a safe place for Meesha to heal and grow. i'm excited to make a safe place where Daddy and i can grow and heal. i'm just so blessed and feel so magically touched to have these two people in my life.
The only thing i hope they are truly ready for is the amazement and wonder that is the little Bella. She brings a whole DIFFERENT kind of energy and element to ANY space she occupies. And while Rhon and Meesha may loose a few pairs of underwear as Bella and i settle in (cause she does love to eat the crotch out of panties...) the joy and amusement she brings is well worth it. And she's a protector too!
i think Bella and i are a good addition to their family! No one will love them and protect them more than me and my little Princess Isabella de la Luca.
What a lucky girl i am. So much love and light to you all.
Namaste~
i know that was idealistic. i just get the sense sometimes that we've come so far as a civilization, and for all intents and purposes, we HAVE come a long way. We stand up against injustice. We wage wars against those seeking to damage and destroy. We provide for the ones that can't provide for themselves, and we have resources in place to help people stand on their own. The ways that we are still VERY archaic as a civilization is feeling justified in condemning people for how they choose to live and love.
i knew that coming out would mean i got treated differently by my friends and family. i didn't think it would really be much different than my life now because people don't look at me and automatically label me as gay. i don't "look" like a lesbian so i fly under their persecuting radar. Unless of course i'm with my girlfriend.
My girlfriend and i recently went to hang out with some friends of mine. Friends that i thought were very cool and accepting of me and all my kinkiness and gayness. However, my friends were three heterosexual vanilla men in their 20's and 30's. Ordinarily a group of guys would love to have a pair or two of lesbians at their parties, unless the lesbian couples are butch and femme. Then it all changes. My friends made comments about our "Public Displays of Affection". Yeah? Ummm... i kiss my girlfriend and i hold her hand when we walk and i drool over her sometimes when she is looking so g'damn sexy. This makes people uncomfortable, or it made my friends uncomfortable. It wasn't until i got home and sent my thank yous for a really fun time and was responded to with something akin to yeah sure but if you want to hang out with us in the future there needs to be some major cutting back on the PDA's. Seriously? Was all i could say.
The fact that my friend, someone i felt close to and had shared some very personal things with was telling me i couldn't kiss my girlfriend or cuddle up next to her on the couch blew my mind. Why in the world not? Do i not deserve to be in love? Do i not deserve to be deliriously attracted to my girlfriend and want to put my arm around her? My Daddy and i would never be disrespectful to anyone's home or space so any amount of affection we display in public is minimal and respectful. Or adapted to the environment. Then it hit me that had my girlfriend been femme...those "friends" of mine wouldn't have had ANY problem watching me kiss her. They wouldn't have any problem with her hugging me close and kissing my face.
So the hypocrisy begins. It's cool that i'm gay and it's cool that i'm kinky and it's even cool that i'm deviant, but because my love falls into the body of a woman who is butch, it's just intolerable for men to witness.
i'm not so much shocked by the hypocrisy as i am by the desertion of my friend. Does he seriously believe i'd ever go anywhere or hang with anyone that wouldn't allow my girlfriend and i to exist in that space with them? i'm OUT, i'm not about to hide who i am for anyone, especially people that call themselves my friend. i won't allow my life to be cluttered with people that will only be my friend if i follow their rules when i'm around them because they can't handle the fact that i'm not the kind of lesbian they jack off to in porno movies.
So not only am i shunned by the lesbian community because i date masculine women which is a sacrilege all in itself, but now even the male supporters only support lesbians if it's something they want to look at. And that's pretty fucked up. The only response i have to people that don't want to see me kiss my girlfriend is look away. Look AWAY. There is no reason you have to stare at me if it makes you so uncomfortable. Walk away if you don't want to hear me talk openly and lovingly to my girlfriend as anyone else would do. And just delete my number out of your phone if it's far to unbearable to see me blissfully happy and glowingly peaceful.
i wish the very best for everyone and i sincerely hope that whatever vortex is sucking the joy and love out of someone's life that makes it so hard for them to be comforted by the fact that two people are able to find happiness and love together, stops sucking them into denial, detachment and condemnation.
i don't know why people can't let love affect them and touch them and heal them. It's expressly what love is intended to do. So why push it away from you? Why deny anyone their basic human needs to be loved and cared for? Why do we not all deserve the right to live and love? It's this kind of mentality that keeps the majority of the people thinking that gays don't DESERVE to be married or have civil rights. How do people sleep at night and enjoy their dinner and revel over their latest sexual conquest when they know they are deliberately keeping those same rights from those of us that don't do it the same way they do? They do it because they've been ALLOWED to segregate us and deny us our rights and spit in our face. They've been allowed to declare us 2nd class citizens unworthy of basic rights.
i will not allow it with me any longer. i will not allow it directed at my girlfriend or at ANY of the GLBT community. i won't be silent and i won't allow it. Not from strangers, not from my family and definitely not from people i call friend. It's just sad when people let you down.
So now i have to look at my friend, not like some hypocritical and desperate person, but as a human that has judged me and condemned me prematurely. i have to see him for his human-ness and his vulnerability and have compassion for him. Forgive him. But that doesn't mean i have to keep him in my life or let his ignorance affect me. All i have to do is look through him and see his core. Have compassion for him, and then quietly walk away.
And let the silence ensue.
Creating this type of relationship is only minimally possible. It is really the kind of relationship you fall into. That develops because it just IS. To try and create it you would loose the entire essence of what makes this relationship pure and innocent.
Babygirls are intricate beings. They are full of puzzles, some more complex than others, but each one is a challenge the Daddy meets head on because it’s another opportunity for him to show the depth of his love. The depth of his passion. Another chance to open up his babygirl a little more and expose more of her to the world and let her bathe in it. Another chance for him to be her Hero. Her Champion, her Conqueror, her secret keeper and her Defiler.
And for some relationships there is another more “taboo” component to the relationship. To their sexual relationship.
For some, the Daddy/babygirl dynamic doesn’t stop when they get into the bedroom. But for some it becomes altered. For some it becomes even more magnified and even more prominent.
There are those that have a Daddy’s heart and not a Daddy’s sexuality. There is a big difference between having a daddy heart that is full of love and compassion and patience and forgiveness, and the daddy love that looks at his little girl's sweet innocent body and sees it's beauty and wants to hide it away from everyone else's touch and allow himself the pleasure to indulge in her over and over again. He knows that is what will make her whole as well. To be the source that feeds her Daddy’s needs.
So there becomes a very precious balance of love and sexuality and erotica that is exchanged when the Daddy can look at his little girl in a sexual way as she stays in her little girl being. When he can see her body for the purity that is possessed only in the body of little girls and seeks to unashamedly touch that and bathe in it. To hungrily claim it.
Even as he's defiling her body in the most traumatic or brutal ways, he's doing so out of so much love and adoration of her that it unbinds the innocence within her rather than sully it.
His passion in the things he does to her reveals how very much he worships this bundle of light and joy he has been gifted with.
In every way he touches her, whether it's harsh or sweetly, he's able to erase every single touch or caress that has ever glanced her body leaving ONLY the memory of his touch imprinted everlastingly on her skin. He becomes all she knows. All she remembers.
She becomes his little virgin again even as he fills her up and it's a prize that he gets to claim over and over again. And every night when she falls asleep being rocked next to his being she becomes closer and closer to being only and ever his. Being born from him in this way. And in this way living solely to be his light.
The amazing thing about this dynamic is that it’s not as fragile as you’d think. Maybe because it’s so intensive and so concentrated it’s a lot harder to rock this foundation. It’s not easy for a Daddy to fall from grace so to speak. There is an infallible way that a little girl looks at her Daddy. Even when he makes mistakes or fails at something, she never sees it that way. There is nothing that he could ever do outside of her that would ever make her look at him as anything less than a hero. She fights to hold onto that image of her Daddy just as diligently as he fights to maintain it.
The only thing I’ve ever seen be able to kill a Daddy/babygirl relationship is loss of respect. There is no quicker death to this beautiful dynamic than when the babygirl looses respect for her Daddy. This is NOT as easy to do as it sounds because of the fierceness with which she’s been inspired to protect her place with her Daddy. But when it happens it’s hard to recover from. I think it’s harder for a Daddy to loose respect for his babygirl because he’s seen her in all her various forms of vulnerability. Maybe for him it’s when she disappoints him that it cuts him the most. That I’m not sure of.
The death of this kind of relationship is very devastating. I don’t have the right to say it’s more so or less so than any other relationship, but based on my own experiences that is true for me. It’s not a quick death nor is it a quick healing. It’s something that ebbs out of you very very slowly and very painfully. Each breath reminds you that you are loosing a part of your being with each exhale. I think people forget that a babygirl doesn’t just loose a lover or a partner. She’s lost her world. Everything orbited around her Daddy. Everything existed for her through him. He was her world. He has to be. Otherwise it doesn’t work.
Is hatred really such a delicious drug? It must be. I can't understand why people are so driven to feed that habit, feed that addiction. Maybe hating something, feeling THAT strongly about something does release chemicals that resemble a "high". Maybe the addiction comes from the fact that when you HATE something you feel so g'damn justified in every action you have as a result of it. The freedom to set aside any human decency or ounce of compassion. The freedom to set aside any small amount of rationale. ....
....
Sometimes I wanna hate. I wanna feel vindicated for some perceived wrong or injustice. Sometimes I want to feel so justified in smashing things and destroying things. Sometimes I want to feel that surge of emotion. That feeling of invincibility as I rage at whatever I have my focus on. But I break it down because I know what hate infects into the world. I know how toxic it is. And I also know the power of intent. An 8th of a second before you even realize you have the thought, you've already sent out intent. That's really scary when you think about it, because it makes ME feel like I'm powerless to change it. I might not be able to change it but I can affect it. I don't have to act on those impulses. I can choose to combat them with logic, compassion and forgiveness.
....
Does this mean I get walked on a lot? Yup. But it's really okay, because there are people that get it and the support and love they give is a guidance and lesson all in it's own right.
....
So how do you bathe someone in love that wants to see you hurting? You just do. And if they still choose to hurt you, let that be on them.
....
Nothing is ever out of the blue.
So much love and light to you my friends.
Namaste
I think my Daddy is pretty amazing. The most amazing, life-giving person I’ve been lucky enough to love. I’ve never known anyone to have so much taken from him as he held his arms wide open over flowing with love. I’ve never known anyone to have such trauma befall him in such consistent waves. I’ve never known anyone with such a heavy basket of sadness strapped to their back. I’ve never known anyone like my Daddy, who can face all of this with such triumphant optimism. Never known anyone like Daddy who could face such devastation and be so rooted in love and hope.
I think my Daddy is pretty magical. He has a way of soothing my racing thoughts and calming my erratic breathing when I get overwhelmed. He has a way of seeing the teeniest speck of beauty in people and in things that most would just over look. He has a way of opening my eyes to the world i’ve been living in and showing me all that I’ve been missing. He has a very magical way with my heart. The way he cradles it and heals it with his kisses and touches. His soothing and intoxicating words. The magic that he bestows upon my grateful and hungry body.
I think my Daddy is pretty intoxicating. The way he can completely separate my fearful and trapped mind from my hungry and lusting body with his whispered words of possession. When he pins me under his weight and buries his face in my hair, he whispers the most erotic and sinful things to me as his hands pillage my wet and willing body. My Daddy is pretty intoxicating when he yanks my legs up over his head and fucks me unrelentingly and then laps up all the juice he extracts from my body.
I think my Daddy is pretty compassionate. He thinks about my needs and always tries to find ways of keeping me rooted in the safety of his love and devotion. He is so patient with my fears and insecurities and forgives me when my fears overwhelm me. He gives me the greatest gift I’ve ever received when he so freely gives so much of his time to me. He selflessly puts me before himself and fights every single day to give me the things I need and provide for our family. I’ve been witness to his forgiveness of others and been left in my own humility at his overwhelming compassion.
I think my Daddy is pretty brilliant. Not only does he shine around people like the star he is, he has an intellect and way of seeing the heart of the matter with lightening speed and devoted accuracy. I’ve witnessed his creativity and dedication to community give birth to grand ideas that only he could ever pull off and achieve. I see him find solutions every single day in places that I could swear there were none. He has a way of seeing things from such a broader view point it leaves me in awe of his awareness and forsight.
I think my Daddy is a polar. Someone that was born unto this earth to spread light and love. He’s meant to bring people together and to infect love into every single corner that he sees. He’s meant to unify people and inspire people to be their grandest vision of themselves. He’s meant to lead and heal and touch people in a way that only the great lovers and healers of mankind have been gifted with. He’s a beacon unto to world, even though the world doesn’t know it yet. But the world is ready.
I think my Daddy makes me the luckiest girl in the world by sharing his love and his world with me. He inspires me every single day to be a better girl. To be a more loving girl. To be a more compassionate girl. To be a girl that brings joy and love to the world around me. To be the perfect representation of his love and devotion. To be his grandest prize and a source of constant pride for him. Daddy fights along side me when I’m under attack and protects me with a fierceness that ensures my safety. I think my Daddy makes me the luckiest girl in the world.
The night before i left i tried explaining some differences between general lesbian stereotypes and a butch-femme kind of dynamic to my mom. i was really proud of her when she finally asked me, "If you like butch women, why don't you just date men?"
i'd hoped she'd ask me that and i'd been actually thinking about that a lot myself and how i would respond to that question. i guess the easiest way to sum it up is that if you are making a banana bread you can't substitute squash instead of bananas just because they are both yellow. Bottom line, butch or not it's still a woman.
The most brilliant part of my stay was that no one treated me differently. My mother was still very affectionate and loving, my father was still over bearing and dismissive, my stepfather was still self righteous and pious and my siblings could all care less. My littlest sister (who is 14) has come out as being bisexual so my father dealing with two queer daughters is almost more than his right winged conservative mindset can stand. Funny how out of 8 children the oldest and youngest turned out queer (and both girls). The fact that i came out didn't change how they interacted with me or the degree of love they have for me. I was really proud of my family for that.
Now bring on the queers! But for god's sake don't dye your dog's hair. THAT people will judge....lol.
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